Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My Un-glamorous World

You know what I see when I look at these photos? Not
the awesomeness of my last recital or
 college graduation.
The first thing I see is how big my calves are. 
So. Let's get candid.

As I have said before, I have an eating disorder. I am really sensitive about my eating disorder. I desperately am searching for some sort of solution and closure to it. And I think that is all any of us (eating disorder or not) can ever do in our lives. We've talked about my eating disorder before.

People ask me how I'm doing. I'm doing terribly.

I cry. I weigh myself. I work out. I dance. I work hard. I do not indulge.  And I do not lose weight.

I'm ugly. My clavicles are too boney. I'm too fat. My ribs are too wide. I'm too short. I'm scarred. My butt is too big. My thighs are too round and they double in size when I sit down. My boobs aren't big enough. My stomach's not flat enough. I'm broken. I'm just not good enough.

The first thing I see here
is how there is no curve to
my waist
I can't keep track of any progress because I also have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD).

Let's talk about how hard it is to have BDD. I may wake up, look in the mirror, and think, "damn, girl, you look pretty good today." Then I'll get dressed and the hell begins. I may not even make it out of my bedroom before I cry. If I'm lucky, I'll pick an outfit and I'll make it all the way to work before I feel like a beached whale.

 My view of my body literally changes before my eyes. I have no perception of how my body looks. I don't know which view is true, which is accurate. I have tried everything to figure it out. I google women my height and weight and they all look different (God bless diversity). I have honestly no idea what I look like on a day to day basis. My entire perception of my appearance is based on the scale number, because I can't trust my eyes, my feelings, or the mirror. When you make fun of me for taking a selfie, I am probably just trying to figure out if I am bulging out over anything.

Which is also why my goal weight is so important. That stupid little digital number is the only thing I can use to cling to any sanity. Being told I look overweight is devastating because if they're right, my whole day has been a lie. My perception and self worth just got shattered.

I pride myself on being somewhat of a fashionista. I always have my makeup done. I always have some sort of cute outfit and jewelry on. My hair is always done. ALWAYS.

And why?

Because that makes me feel good. It makes me feel prepared. I don't dress to impress anyone. I dress to make myself feel halfway decent.

Because those external things are things I can control. I developed those skills out of feeling like crap all the time. I learned how to dress any shape because I don't know what shape I am. It's different in my eyes every day. So I have to be armed to confront that. And it sucks.

It's hard to live this way. Damn hard. I don't know if it will ever be easier. I don't know if I will ever completely take my life back from my critic.

This is a modeling shot I did this spring. The first thing
I see is how round my face is and how big
my arms are. 
BDD might be even harder to face than bulimia. I haven't purged in a month. And that feels good. But without the purging, my method of coping with these feelings are gone. I have to find a new way to cope with feeling fat and unattractive. And I haven't found it yet.

I love and embrace who I am as a person. I hate that advice. It's the outside I don't like. How am I supposed to feel like my body's a temple when I feel like I have let my temple fall into disrepair? People underestimate how much self-hatred it takes to make yourself throw up.

The captions on my photos are what go through my mind every minute of every day. Every time I see a reflection in a mirror, a window, or a puddle. But it's a journey. It's a process. Everyone faces different trials. And these are mine. And I am lucky to be able to share my journey. If I were able to affect change in just one person's life by sharing my story, play by play, ugly details galore, that makes my whole experience worth it to me.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Let's All Do The Limbo!

Sometimes being at home is really hard. Like really hard.

I graduated from the University of Idaho on a high note. I received my degree. Costumed a show, danced in  a show, and performed not one, but TWO senior recitals. I spent a lot of time with my best friends, and then I moved home. Post graduation adjustment is really a challenge. 

I like being home, don't get me wrong. I love being with my family. But.  

I was in limbo. And limbo really sucks. 

I spent some time crafting, working out, writing, dancing, and doing a lot of netflix watching. And that was nice. I even slept in really late some days. I told my parents I was catching up on for years of lost sleep. 

I was unemployed, stressed about bills, trying to help pay for my guest house remodel, and it just wasn't happening. The place I felt I was guaranteed a job at wasn't calling me; they kept telling me, "In a couple weeks, we'll have a job for you in  a couple weeks." And nothing. 


And more nothing.

Zilch. Nada. Zip.


Then one day, a beautiful Friday, I was helping a friend with her kids at the theme park. Out of the blue, we got talking about the daycare (where I had worked in high school) and I made a joking comment about whether or not they were hiring. 

Turns out they were! Now I'm employed, playing with babies every day for waaay more than I made as a waitress. I love going to work, except for the shifts that start at 7 am. Those are a little tricky. 

I think the point I am trying to make here is that maybe limbo isn't all bad. At the very least, it has an end. It gets better. And I know I forget that. I think, "OH MY GOD THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END" and I sit and I stress and I get anxious and I pray and I just hope that there's a light at the end. 

And there always is. Whether the light is candle, a table lamp, or a chandelier, there's always a light at the end. 

I know that most people, myself included, forget that. I try, after my summer of discovery in Moscow, to keep in mind that things happen. Shit happens. And that doesn't mean that we've been forgotten. It means that something is trying to block us from whatever our exciting purpose is. And I find that exciting. 

Everything I have been through -Matt's drowning, the stalker, the abusive boyfriend, the crazy roommates, the abusive teacher, the eating disorder, and scores of other crazy things - really have just taught me a lot of lessons. They were hard and crappy beyond measure. But I learned a lot. 

Limbo is when we can be taught the most lessons. If we can be quiet and just wait, it's when we can learn the most. It's the intermissions to the shows that are our lives. The chance to stretch, get up and pee, and read the informational booklets that are provided in the lobby. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Keep Calm And Spring Will Come

Today was, for me, the first day that really felt like Spring.

I know we have been having some warmer weather for quite a while at this point, but spring break starts tomorrow and things just seem to be lulling down. 

I gave my first senior recital in the lovely Pearl Theater in my hometown. And that felt great. Sure, there were things that could have gone better, but that is live theatre. And it is a beautiful thing. 

Even though I felt really blue today, for some totally inexplicable reason, it just felt nice to be alive and in the sunshine. Today I was struggling with resisting purging (which I'll have you all know, it has been a couple months since the last incident) and I was just feeling really unappealing and overweight. I think with the recital over, I have less to distract my mind with and those old fears are coming back. 

I have been dumped by two different guys in the last two months and that took a little bit of a toll. But with the recital, I didn't have a whole ton of time to linger on it. One guy dumped me because he just liked another girl better and the other one dumped me because he was too happy and he didn't think there was any way for us to work out in the long term. Ouch. But healing is possible and healing happens. At least I'm dating. I'm not sitting around being mad at Captain Douchebag anymore and that is a really nice feeling. 

So yeah, no matter how blue I get sometime, it's just nice to be here, in this beautiful town, and it's nice to be mostly healthy.

I love walking to school, without my big jacket, or driving with my windows down. There is something about singing in the sunshine, or in a sun-filled practice room that is just better than it is in the snow. 

Today, I have an Outfit of the Day post. Which is extra exciting because I got to take my pictures on the balcony instead of in my bedroom or in my bathroom or inside at all! 

Today, I wanted to channel a comfy casual look. I wanted a few layers, just in case it got chilly (and since it is always about 60 degrees colder in the shade).

I went with a dinosaur tank...

A polka dot sweater...

Basic cuffed jeans...

And black oxfords...

Very comfy and cute. And it was perfect for today's weather. We had a high of 52 degrees in my lovely little city and it was just a nice day. No matter how blue one feels, the bright warm sunshine can brighten any day. 

Enjoy the sun!



Friday, January 17, 2014

Pocketful of Sunshine

I have another DIY post for you! 

My friend and I did a craft day last week!

I have already talked about a few of the things we did that day here: if you want to read up on them. 

But we also made pocket shirts!! 

This is a really easy craft and it doesn't take long at all. 

tee shirt
a scrap of fabric - I got mine from the remnant bin at Joanne's
sewing machine (or needle, but a machine makes it faster) 
Lace or any "notions" that you might like to use

Step One: Design your pocket pattern. Shane and I cut it out of the fabric like a Valentine. You know when you're in the first grade and you learn how to cut out hearts by folding the paper in half and so on? Fold your fabric in half and use a pen or a marker to sketch out your pocket shape. This is definitely a measure twice, cut once sort of step!! Just trust me, go slow and make sure your lines are straight before you cut the pocket out. 

Step Two: This is a personal preference, but I then ironed and folded and pinned the edges about 5/8" so the edges would be finished and look really neat and tidy. I then did a nice, tight stitch to secure the hem. 
Step Three is an optional step! I put a little strip of lace across the top of the pocket. Pin and stitch! 

Step Four: Try on your shirt and go look in a mirror. Find where you would like the pocket to be and pin. This is where having a craft buddy comes in handy, because, for me at least, pinning something in a mirror is really hard! 

Step Five: Stitch on your pocket. Make sure not to stitch through both layers of shirt, because stitch ripping sucks. 

And then you have a pocket shirt!!! 

 Now, I wouldn't exactly call this project "inspired" by this song, but we did watch this movie while we were working on them. And we sing this scene whenever we see each other. And we also wore our shirts yesterday and sang it across the building to each other.

So this song definitely makes pocket shirts exciting!!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Life Lately - The Year Is 2014

The year is 2014. And today, at 8:30 this morning, I began my very LAST first day of classes. You all might have a idea just how excited I am about that. I am ecstatic. I have a very fun and busy set of classes to get me to the end, and it is going to be awesome!  

I made two New Year's resolutions this year. They're fairly simple and easy: 

1) To be more vigilant and better about blogging this year. I think that will be easier now that I have a little bit better of a grasp on my bulimia. I wasn't feeling about to do fashion posts because that required taking pictures and that was really hard to do for a while there. 
             But stay tuned! Because I am going to do better. 

And my other goes hand in hand. 

2) Even though I have a yoga class, I don't want to use that as an excuse to not get dressed everyday. Yoga pants and sneakers are not an acceptable outfit for everyday wear. 

Speaking of outfits, here was my first day of school outfit! It was inspired by BBC Sherlock's John Watson. 

Watson vest: Goodwill, Shirt: Goodwill, Shoes: Wal-Mart
 Again, an easy, thrifted outfit. It was super comfy and chill.

Allow me to introduce you all to the newest member of out apartment!

This is Hadley, the Russian tortoise. My roommate got her for me for Christmas. And I love her. She is so sweet and shockingly full of personality for a reptile.

She explores all around the apartment and eats spinach every day. Esmeralda the cat is in love with her and loves to follow her around the apartment and gives her gentle pushes with her paws to help her move faster.

Also new in 2014 - I got my 4th tattoo this afternoon. It is on my left ribcage and it is kind of a tribute to my eating disorder and my journey towards healing. I purposefully got it on an area that I know could stretch with weight gain, because I want to be able to apply to sentiment no matter how it looks. If a stretch mark goes through it, it will still be a beautiful area.

It is Psalm 139:14.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

What a sentiment to try and remember! No matter what, I am wonderfully made. Like I said, even if a stretch mark goes through that text, I was still made beautifully.

I know that a lot of people don't like tattoos, or agree with them. But that's okay. I don't really care.

I have chosen them as a way to express myself and commemorate journeys I have made.

If my body is a temple, I am just painting the walls and putting in stained glass windows.

 I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

And you are all fearfully and wonderfully made.



Friday, January 10, 2014

Dinosaur Ring Holder DIY

What am I making now? With resources like Pinterest at my fingertips, I can find inspiration for quirky crafts with the click of a button, the tap of a key. I love it. 

And, yes, I am using extra sheet music as a painting surface. Welcome to my life. 

Now, I might be the only person with this problem. But here goes.

I have a lot of hair. Like a lot. Of thick strands. Thick wavy strands. So sometimes washing my hair in a real pain in the rear. Especially since I like to wear rings.

I think one of the worst pains - trailing behind stepping on a Lego and followed closely by pinching your eyelid in an eyelash curler - is getting your ring snagged in your hair while you're trying to lather, rinse, repeat. That stuff hurts.

But I don't really like just leaving my rings on the counter or on the back of the toilet. I don't want to lose my cladagh ring down the drain.

So what did I make? 

I made myself a dinosaur ring holder. 

It seemed fitting, since dinosaurs are some of my favorite things. 


1) Dinosaur: This can be any dinosaur you want. I went with a long neck because I can put multiple rings on it, though I thought about a T Rex and hanging one ring of each arm. Anyway, I digress. This is also a little dinosaur - I didn't want this to be some massive bathroom sculpture. 

2) Paint: I used gold acrylic paint - just like almost all my other DIYs. I splurged this time and got a metallic gold that cost $1.77. BIG SPENDER. 

3) A Base: My base is actually two parts. The bottom part is a Corelle bowl from Wal Mart and the top is the lid of sprinkle container, that I hot glued in there. There is a reason behind my madness! I did not want this project to sit in the wet that inevitably covers a bathroom countertop every once in a while. And I also wanted a flat space for other jewelry, ie necklaces and earrings. 
        Also- the longneck's tale didn't fit inside the bowl so I had to improvise a little bit. 

After getting all the supplies together, I simply painted and glued. And viola. 

Absolutely lovely. Emerald is definitely her color. 

Now this little beauty lives right next to the sink in our bathroom, waiting to hold my rings for me. Waiting to save my poor hair and aching head. 

You can make something like this with any size plate, bowl, cup; and then any dinosaur, action figure, animal. That's what makes this project so fun.

 Go forth and craft!!!



Out Of This World Crafts!!

I have had an interesting Christmas Break. I worked almost 40 hours a week; I spent Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day - as well as Thanksgiving - at work, making this the first year I have ever spent the holidays away from my family.

So I just haven't really blogged much. I've been busy with school, obviously work, and trying to get all set for graduation. Which is on May 17th. EEEEEEEK. That blows my mind. 

But now that I have a little bit of breathing time, I think it's time revisit my dear blog and you, my darling readers. 

Today, I want to share with you two totally awesome, "out of this world" craft projects I got to do over break!!!

I am a huge fan of the "galaxy trend." I think it's sweet and super stylish. I really wanted a pair of shoes with the galaxy print on them, and upon research I found out that those were very very pricey. 

And I am very very cheap. 

So what was my solution? I decided to make them myself, naturally. 


 1) The Shoes: I had a pair of basic black Vans that I had bought when I waiting tables on the docks at Willow Bay. I didn't really wear them much outside of that. 
2) The Paint: Then I bought 5 colors of paint, in the tones that were the most common in the most of the galaxy prints. I used those little acrylic paints that cost like a dollar bottle. 

3) A sponge brush: I used an inch wide sponge brush for some of the wider strokes, though I honestly just ended up finger painting once I wanted to get more specific with the details. 

Optional: GLITTER: Though not required, I really liked how it ended up looking once I added fine, purple glitter into some of the paint. I thought it gave the pattern a little more depth and I was able to draw emphasis to certain parts. Plus, glitter. I love glitter.  

Then I just started to paint. 
1) I started with the dark blue as a base coat over the whole shoe. 
2) Then I added purple, trying to create some shadow. This is when I first started adding glitter. 
3) Once I added the pink, I started trying to curve it, and make shapes. I tried to make the edges really blurry and well blended, like the edges of galaxies. 
4) For the white and the gray, I used the corner of the sponge brush so it would have a very soft effect, like the edges of clouds. The white and gray also made  the shadow and highlight effect that gives the whole shoe depth. 

The finished project <3
 I love them!!! I cannot wait for it to get a little drier so I can wear them outside!

A word of caution I would give about this sort of project:

It's going to look like crap up until probably the highlights and shadows. 
I was so discouraged and irritated with how they were coming along and then all of a sudden, once I started adding that white in, it started to take shape.

So don't give up on them! 
Just keep trucking along and you're going to have an awesome piece of statement footwear. 

I also rebuilt a tshirt, following along with the galaxy trend. This was a really easy project.

1) Tee: It can be any t-shirt, mine is a gray, lace backed tee from Rue21.
2) Some sort of nerd-tastic tee: Mine is naturally Star Wars, discovered in the men's section of Goodwill.
3) Paint: I used exactly the same paints as the aforementioned shoe project.

Okay, then, I cut the logo out of the Star Wars Tee shirt, and sewed it onto the other.

I used a big stitch and left the edges frayed, so it would look a little distressed.

Then I painted the galaxy design around the decal, going up the neckline and down the side. I used the same pattern as before, starting with dark blue, purple, hot pink, and the highlights and shadows. I also used a silver sharpie to add in some randomly placed stars.

I am also pretty excited to wear this. I will probably pair it with a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, a blazer, and a big chunky necklace. I will post pictures when the day comes (: 

I have another craft post I am really excited to share with you tomorrow so stay tuned!!