Saturday, March 30, 2013

Progress: A New Beginning

The sun has made a spectacular comeback against Winter today. It was gorgeous. I went outside, the sun was shining and warm, the birds were singing, and the crocuses were starting to bloom.

 That is always one of my favorite parts of spring. When the flowers start to bloom, you know the cold is almost over.


Those little purple buds tell us that spring is almost here. And I love that. 

I have this new thing going where I walk everywhere, not because I really want to, but because there are other things I need to spend money on besides gas. And today was the first day that I went, "Oh. This might not be too bad." I needed to bring my sunglasses and I didn't even have to wear my sweater all day. 

That sunshine was just the recharger I needed. I deliberately took the long walk from the Music Building to my apartment, just to be outside.

The sun has got me dreaming of flowers. And thinking about spring and new beginnings.

It has been 3 months since I severed all ties with my ex, a decision I had surprisingly never regretted. My friends frequently tell me that I am the happiest they have ever seen me, even with the occasional angry and bitter days.

In those three months, I have done things that I would never have with him. I go out late at night, I stay out late, I go to concerts. I am spontaneous and manage to do things without days of planning ahead.

These seem like little things, but they're really not for me. My friend and I went to a Josh Ritter concert (and she's a lot like me with the planning) and we both decided to do as many things by the seat of our pants as we could. We had an "ish" departure time and stopped wherever we felt like stopping. The car even died and we didn't freak out - just went into Sears and asked for help, looking twice as incompetent in our concert attire. But we handled it well.

I love this girl. One of the best friends I have.

There's something else going on too. There's this guy I like. I mean, I like him a lot. He's been a part of my life since freshman year and someone I have always loved the time I've spent with him. And I feel like we're getting closer and closer. We spend more and more time together. And he is someone I don't want to lose out of my life - transferring schools or not.

I don't know that this is ever going to go anywhere. But I want it to. Which surprises me. Because I kind of thought I was going to be alone forever and that I would never even have a crush again.

Can you say new beginning? Can you also say surprise?

 I had this amazing, good thing under my nose the whole time. It was there during a huge wave of ugly. And even if it doesn't go THERE...

Well, let's just not get ahead of ourselves.

New beginnings require baby steps.

Slow moving is good for a while.

Even though I managed a relatively unstructured concert day, that doesn't mean I don't completely rely on my color coded planner to get me from class to rehearsal to meetings to dates and back to class. 

And I am not ashamed of that. Not even a bit.

I have a new mantra as of this week:

Strive for Progress.

Not For Perfection.

It goes back to a really helpful talk I had with a teacher about the danger of being a perfectionist. It's not a good thing. It's like a low form of OCD and not healthy, at least not for me at this point in my life. 

And he reminded me that as long as I am making progress and hitting markers and reaching goals, perfection doesn't matter. Perfection doesn't even exist.


 Well, that's a good thought to keep in mind. 

I'm a young person. I'm not perfect. I suck at budgeting and I love to spend money. I like chocolate and I don't like to work out. I love to dance and I forget to wear my knee brace 9 times out of 10. I register for early morning classes and then I "accidentally" stay up late watching Big Bang Theory. I also love to say yes. 

So how about saying yes to Progress? Yes to something new and something spontaneous and surprising? 

Instead of crying about how Perfection stood me up again. 

I think me and Progress are going to have a good relationship.