Wednesday, February 13, 2013


So, bright and early tomorrow morning (4:45, isn't that just UNGODLY???), the Vandaleers are off to Portland to sing at the regional NAFME conference. Of course, I cannot sleep. Isn't that just how it goes?

All these thoughts are whirling through my head at top speed - do I have everything packed? My music? Food? Cough drops? Vandaleers dress? Allergy pill?

And am I really ready for this concert? Do I know my music? Can I say my German? Am I good enough to sing in this incredible choir?

I got an email from my conductor last night, imploring me to make sure I was ready because I looked either lost or scared in a few pieces and I had to really think about which one of those was the honest answer. And, to be honest, I am terrified for this trip and the concert. Time to prove I deserve to be in this choir, and that he was right to want me to audition.

I've definitely come home feeling this way before.
I have a bad habit of sabotaging myself with self doubt and insecurity and second guessing, and that's what I have been doing to myself all week, in choir, and voice lessons, and relationships, and even my costume design class with something as silly as my figure's head angle.

Maybe taking 20 credits of performance and design was a little overwhelming for a perfectionist personality. I mean, I feel as though in order to be perfectly prepared for one thing, I have to neglect the others. So is total preparation for one thing better than passable preparation for all the things? Or am I just underestimating myself?

 What does my perfectionist personality have to do with this Vandaleers trip tomorrow morning? Well, I have worked my behind off prepping for this trip - I know my music and, even if I didn't, there is nothing I could do in the next 5 hours to prepare myself more. I have to trust myself and, if that's too hard, I have to trust that my director knew what he was doing when he put me in this choir.

Another 2013 resolution (I have a lot of them, bear with me) is to be less afraid. Supposedly, the words "do not be afraid" are written in the Bible 365 times. Now this could be totally not true, I haven't counted, but that does not make this sentiment any less true. Why would God say that so much if we were supposed to live life in fear?

Because we're not. We are supposed to leave fearless and step out in faith and trust that God has laid a safety net for us and that he is there to carry us through the hard times, whether those hard times are deaths, breakups, or choir concerts. And that is pretty reassuring, as long as I take a moment to remember He's there, every step, and to tell Him thanks for that.

I am incredibly honored to be a member in this choir. I get to sing with an incredibly talented group of people and work with a wonderful director. I can't imagine getting another chance to sing with a group of this caliber in my life: so while that is daunting, it is amazingly exciting.

So. Off to Portland we go, with excitement and anticipation, not fear and doubt.

Vandaleers Dress -$70, Black Flats - thrifted $5
Chance to sing with people I love - PRICELESS